I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
