Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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