dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
