dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
