No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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