"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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