woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
