the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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