I CAN MOONWALK!
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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