people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
