I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
