why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
