everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
