Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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