I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
