They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
