new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
