Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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