im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
