that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
