God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
