ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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