dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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