I think I won the penis lottery.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Please don't give away my fajitas
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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