I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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