I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
