If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We had sex on a dog bed..
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
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