Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
