I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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