chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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