I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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