shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
