I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
