what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
