I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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