How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
