I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
