i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
