i think i have two assholes
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
