Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
