I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
