Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I fill condoms, not promises.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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