I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
