Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
