What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
