My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Panties = found
Randomize
