My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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