Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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