Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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