i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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