Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
