i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
